If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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