we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
