there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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