Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My vagina just clenched in fear
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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