Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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