He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
