every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
