In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
