Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
