I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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