Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
