i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
