On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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