I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We need to rekindle our bromance
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
