I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
