i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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