Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize