Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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