btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
