I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
