i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
