mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have tasted many bathrooms
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
