I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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