and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
