my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
