ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
