I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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