Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
