I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
