Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
