I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
