dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
