So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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