he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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