I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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