Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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