I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
