she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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