I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize