Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
