all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
