im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
