I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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