my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
