What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
