matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
