My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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