She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
