It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
