Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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