Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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