Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How external is "for external use only"?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
