hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
