Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
