I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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