my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
