I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
