I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
